I’m the type of person who consistently seeks out the answer to the question “why?” That’s how I end up with reference pages that range from a wide variety of writers, time periods, and diverse cultural perspectives. ‘Why” is a really difficult question to answer and I like to understand all the possibilities before I come to my own conclusion.
In today's world, juggling daily responsibilities can feel overwhelming. When I set out for some type of self-care, I usually feel that a justification for the time or money is necessary. I feel like I have to explain why.
Last week, my husband arrived home a little early on Friday and when I looked at the schedule, he had a dentist appointment. I asked him “what is it like to schedule a dentist appointment for yourself that you keep even though it’s been on the books for 6 months and you booked it without talking to anyone first?” He looked at me like I had just asked him to solve the deficit. He had no idea that I had rescheduled my own dentist appointment 5 times between August and December and I ended up 3 months overdue for a cleaning.
He was around each time I had rescheduled it. I mentioned it to him all 5 times. But somehow, that appointment he made 6 months prior never moved. My question this time is still “why” but also “how?” Is there some magic formula I am missing?
I’d like to pause for a moment and say I’m not angry. I’m just really perplexed and inquisitive. If he knows a secret, I’d really like to use it myself. Unfortunately, he doesn’t really know either.
With 4 young men in our house, my husband and I intentionally try to maintain equality in task completion and purposefully do not have “her jobs” or “his jobs.” As the kids are getting older, I am often teaching them that there is a lot more to the task than just actually doing the task. There’s supplies, appropriate times, anticipating individual needs, and a bunch of other considerations that most women are constantly thinking about, but no one else in the house does.
We have a very elaborate task rotation system that I am really hoping will actually work. When I say complicated, I mean there’s a file with 15 sheets that I developed to make it work. We have the adults' work schedules, kid’s after school activities, and a timeshare schedule to consider, and whatever version of “fair” we can create to appease all 4 of them.
And clearly, dentist appointments, but just their appointments as mine are clearly not set in stone. I hold the title “Organizer Of All the Things” and my throne is not swords, but rather clear bins from The Home Edit.
(Which, by the way, if you don’t have these all purpose, deep bins with a divider, how are you even finding your socks on a daily basis? You need these: The Home Edit And no, I’m too new in this internet world to have anyone asking me to be part of a promotion deal. I just really like them.)
There’s a ton of terms for all this. I find myself saying “Default Parent” often lately. “Mental load” is a favorite as well. I’m sure you’ve read plenty of blogs and articles about how to better manage your time or make sure you carve out a mental health walk for yourself. I promise, while yes a walk outside is good for everyone, it does not actually solve the problem. The pile of laundry or dishes didn’t magically get done while you were out walking. I am most unfortunately not a princess who can train the squirrels or blue birds. I may feel a little better after my walk, but I still have to do the dishes. And also, everyone should have the freedom to hate doing the dishes. Hate for a chore doesn’t mean you can skip it though.
Unfortunately, there isn’t anything that will solve the problem of the dishes unless the person who is animating my life deems it a good plot line to train the squirrels. Not even a candle, bottle of wine, or a bubble bath will solve this problem. Because, you probably picked the candle out yourself, went to the store to pick up more milk and grabbed a bottle of wine that was on sale and on an endcap, or spent 30 minutes cleaning the bathtub so you would even be able to sit in it.
The real issue is that you cannot solve any problem without clearly defining it first.
The problem isn’t the laundry because you legally have to wear clothes in public. Although, maybe living in a nudist colony could solve all your problems. No judgement here!
The problem also isn’t the dishes because you have to put food on something. I also don’t believe my inability to train the squirrels is the problem. It’s not the existence of the tasks. Those will always be there and will always exist.
In my opinion, the problem is that there is an actual mathematical absolute regarding the existence of time. There are 24 hours in a day. No more, no less. Time is the great equalizer. It is the one thing that every human on the planet shares equally in.
And as much as we try, we can’t MAKE more time. It is a finite resource.
We absolutely 100% can use our time more efficiently and effectively. In fact, that is kind of my specialty. My husband once said I do more in a day than most people do in a week. And I’m not going to downplay that skill because he’s right.
But outside of those efforts to manage time, any other solution to this lack of time is detrimental to our health. We consistently choose to sleep less, eat chips and a granola bar for “lunch” at 2:00 pm while waiting in the carpool lane, or count our walk to the mailbox as exercise. And we move dentist appointments 5 times.
I know the title of this is giving solution vibes, which was my intention. I could make a list of things to do to help you feel better for maybe an hour. I even had that list ready when I sat down to type. I will gladly work with you if you are struggling with using time efficiently, but I’m not going to tell you that taking a minute for mindfulness is going to get your laundry folded or make you happier about doing it.
I realized while we were chatting about the dentist appointments that the correct vocabulary to use when trying to explain this mental load, default parenting situation was not “time management.” I’ve used all of those words 1,000 times with the 5 men living in this house that I manage like a Fortune 500 business and those words aren’t creating change in our home at all. I’m going to guess creating a performance review for each household member would end up costing too much in therapy bills so that’s not going to work either.
This time I took a different approach. I decided to explain the 24 hours in a day example, but I also pointed out that when it comes to the 5 of them, their time is considered sacred. The school bell rings when it rings and karate class starts when it starts. The hearing or mediation starts when it starts.
But why is it that I am the one who moves when I’m going to eat, sleep, or shower to accommodate all that?
Even when I was teaching full time and the bell rang at 8:10 every morning, my time was not protected. If a kid decided to tell us he needed plates for a school party, I was most likely the one getting to work late. When we considered strategies to reduce stress at home, it was the same thing women have been trying for years. Another walk, another bath, and choosing water instead of wine. In fact, we believed that part of my consistent migraines and other health issues were related to my career as a teacher so I resigned.
But the migraines and other health issues didn’t magically go away.
I realized all the reasons why I moved that dentist appointment had nothing to do with me. I also realized that there is not a single moment in my life that is sacred and protected, but I spend a large amount of my time working to keep everyone else’s time sacred and protected to the point of making myself chronically ill.
How many times do you get up at night to deal with a kid or to fold the laundry you left in the dryer? How often do you sit at your desk at work trying not to cry because you actually have no idea how you are going to complete something on time because you have to drive a kid to a game right after school?
Unfortunately, another walk, yoga class, or meditation will not resolve this problem.
What could hopefully work is a change in vocabulary. Instead of creating another “boundary” perhaps it is time to demand that you have something in your day that is sacred time. Time that no matter what, you will not give that up.
If you are wondering what actually changed as part of this conversation in my own home, it was that I no longer read to my youngest on Wednesdays at 8 pm because “The Masked Singer” is on and I want to watch it live. Since that has become a new norm, he now asks me if I want to read with him instead of just expecting it. That tiny question shows that he learned to be respectful of my time. The changes are slow, but they are happening. I definitely am feeling more and more like a human that others want to be happy and healthy.
Ultimately, the solution was a simple perspective shift, which is much cheaper than the really good bottle of wine.
(You should still buy the good bottle on your way to the nudist colony)
In today's world, juggling daily responsibilities can feel overwhelming. When I set out for some type of self-care, I usually feel that a justification for the time or money is necessary. I feel like I have to explain why.
Last week, my husband arrived home a little early on Friday and when I looked at the schedule, he had a dentist appointment. I asked him “what is it like to schedule a dentist appointment for yourself that you keep even though it’s been on the books for 6 months and you booked it without talking to anyone first?” He looked at me like I had just asked him to solve the deficit. He had no idea that I had rescheduled my own dentist appointment 5 times between August and December and I ended up 3 months overdue for a cleaning.
He was around each time I had rescheduled it. I mentioned it to him all 5 times. But somehow, that appointment he made 6 months prior never moved. My question this time is still “why” but also “how?” Is there some magic formula I am missing?
I’d like to pause for a moment and say I’m not angry. I’m just really perplexed and inquisitive. If he knows a secret, I’d really like to use it myself. Unfortunately, he doesn’t really know either.
With 4 young men in our house, my husband and I intentionally try to maintain equality in task completion and purposefully do not have “her jobs” or “his jobs.” As the kids are getting older, I am often teaching them that there is a lot more to the task than just actually doing the task. There’s supplies, appropriate times, anticipating individual needs, and a bunch of other considerations that most women are constantly thinking about, but no one else in the house does.
We have a very elaborate task rotation system that I am really hoping will actually work. When I say complicated, I mean there’s a file with 15 sheets that I developed to make it work. We have the adults' work schedules, kid’s after school activities, and a timeshare schedule to consider, and whatever version of “fair” we can create to appease all 4 of them.
And clearly, dentist appointments, but just their appointments as mine are clearly not set in stone. I hold the title “Organizer Of All the Things” and my throne is not swords, but rather clear bins from The Home Edit.
(Which, by the way, if you don’t have these all purpose, deep bins with a divider, how are you even finding your socks on a daily basis? You need these: The Home Edit And no, I’m too new in this internet world to have anyone asking me to be part of a promotion deal. I just really like them.)
There’s a ton of terms for all this. I find myself saying “Default Parent” often lately. “Mental load” is a favorite as well. I’m sure you’ve read plenty of blogs and articles about how to better manage your time or make sure you carve out a mental health walk for yourself. I promise, while yes a walk outside is good for everyone, it does not actually solve the problem. The pile of laundry or dishes didn’t magically get done while you were out walking. I am most unfortunately not a princess who can train the squirrels or blue birds. I may feel a little better after my walk, but I still have to do the dishes. And also, everyone should have the freedom to hate doing the dishes. Hate for a chore doesn’t mean you can skip it though.
Unfortunately, there isn’t anything that will solve the problem of the dishes unless the person who is animating my life deems it a good plot line to train the squirrels. Not even a candle, bottle of wine, or a bubble bath will solve this problem. Because, you probably picked the candle out yourself, went to the store to pick up more milk and grabbed a bottle of wine that was on sale and on an endcap, or spent 30 minutes cleaning the bathtub so you would even be able to sit in it.
The real issue is that you cannot solve any problem without clearly defining it first.
The problem isn’t the laundry because you legally have to wear clothes in public. Although, maybe living in a nudist colony could solve all your problems. No judgement here!
The problem also isn’t the dishes because you have to put food on something. I also don’t believe my inability to train the squirrels is the problem. It’s not the existence of the tasks. Those will always be there and will always exist.
In my opinion, the problem is that there is an actual mathematical absolute regarding the existence of time. There are 24 hours in a day. No more, no less. Time is the great equalizer. It is the one thing that every human on the planet shares equally in.
And as much as we try, we can’t MAKE more time. It is a finite resource.
We absolutely 100% can use our time more efficiently and effectively. In fact, that is kind of my specialty. My husband once said I do more in a day than most people do in a week. And I’m not going to downplay that skill because he’s right.
But outside of those efforts to manage time, any other solution to this lack of time is detrimental to our health. We consistently choose to sleep less, eat chips and a granola bar for “lunch” at 2:00 pm while waiting in the carpool lane, or count our walk to the mailbox as exercise. And we move dentist appointments 5 times.
I know the title of this is giving solution vibes, which was my intention. I could make a list of things to do to help you feel better for maybe an hour. I even had that list ready when I sat down to type. I will gladly work with you if you are struggling with using time efficiently, but I’m not going to tell you that taking a minute for mindfulness is going to get your laundry folded or make you happier about doing it.
I realized while we were chatting about the dentist appointments that the correct vocabulary to use when trying to explain this mental load, default parenting situation was not “time management.” I’ve used all of those words 1,000 times with the 5 men living in this house that I manage like a Fortune 500 business and those words aren’t creating change in our home at all. I’m going to guess creating a performance review for each household member would end up costing too much in therapy bills so that’s not going to work either.
This time I took a different approach. I decided to explain the 24 hours in a day example, but I also pointed out that when it comes to the 5 of them, their time is considered sacred. The school bell rings when it rings and karate class starts when it starts. The hearing or mediation starts when it starts.
But why is it that I am the one who moves when I’m going to eat, sleep, or shower to accommodate all that?
Even when I was teaching full time and the bell rang at 8:10 every morning, my time was not protected. If a kid decided to tell us he needed plates for a school party, I was most likely the one getting to work late. When we considered strategies to reduce stress at home, it was the same thing women have been trying for years. Another walk, another bath, and choosing water instead of wine. In fact, we believed that part of my consistent migraines and other health issues were related to my career as a teacher so I resigned.
But the migraines and other health issues didn’t magically go away.
I realized all the reasons why I moved that dentist appointment had nothing to do with me. I also realized that there is not a single moment in my life that is sacred and protected, but I spend a large amount of my time working to keep everyone else’s time sacred and protected to the point of making myself chronically ill.
How many times do you get up at night to deal with a kid or to fold the laundry you left in the dryer? How often do you sit at your desk at work trying not to cry because you actually have no idea how you are going to complete something on time because you have to drive a kid to a game right after school?
Unfortunately, another walk, yoga class, or meditation will not resolve this problem.
What could hopefully work is a change in vocabulary. Instead of creating another “boundary” perhaps it is time to demand that you have something in your day that is sacred time. Time that no matter what, you will not give that up.
If you are wondering what actually changed as part of this conversation in my own home, it was that I no longer read to my youngest on Wednesdays at 8 pm because “The Masked Singer” is on and I want to watch it live. Since that has become a new norm, he now asks me if I want to read with him instead of just expecting it. That tiny question shows that he learned to be respectful of my time. The changes are slow, but they are happening. I definitely am feeling more and more like a human that others want to be happy and healthy.
Ultimately, the solution was a simple perspective shift, which is much cheaper than the really good bottle of wine.
(You should still buy the good bottle on your way to the nudist colony)
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