You will be hard pressed to find a reality dating show where the cast does not discuss each other's love languages at some point in the season. By now, I’m sure most of you out there have at the very least heard about the Five Love Languages created by Dr. Gary Chapman in 1997 and followed up by a second book specific towards children in 2016 (Chapman & Campbell, 2016) .
Just in case, here’s a reminder:
I am officially on the downward slope of parenting as my youngest turned 9 several months ago. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but my home is definitely “giving tween energy.” I am slightly hopeful I did not use that correctly so that I can up my cringe.
Oops, I did it again. There we go- back to my safe space in Gen X/ Millennial Land.
As a career educator, I did a decent job keeping up with the latest trends. I knew when the youngest kiddo started saying a new slang word that it was on its way out. That is not the case anymore as he is keeping up with his brothers much more easily these days. As stoked as I am to be barreling towards my empty nest, I also feel that Gen Alpha is throwing some serious shade on this parenting deal. I feel like they keep changing the rules on us!
Say what you want about Gen Z, but good gravy are these 20-teens babies working overtime. I cannot even tell you how many times a day I look at a child that I made with the most bewildered stare because I have no clue what he just said, what he just did, or how the plastic on the frozen pizza got into the oven in the first place. Trust me, I know the fact that he tried to do it himself was a big step forward, but I’m not 100% sure it wasn’t purposeful to get delivery pizza instead of the frozen. I probably ask “why” to each kid at least 42 times a day because I am just befuddled. (I will definitely hear Google define “befuddled” as they read this later today.)
So what happened to the ease of identifying your kiddo’s love language to make sure you see it when they give it and you express your love back to them in that same way? Currently I don’t even understand the words coming out of their mouths.
I get it. Education is a soft science because of the child psychology part of teaching. I realize that as children transition into adolescence, their love languages often evolve due to developmental changes and increasing independence (Chapman & Campbell, 2016). While younger children may openly express affection and seek direct reassurance, tweens and teens may become more reserved, preferring subtle forms of love that align with their growing need for autonomy.
For example, a child who once thrived on physical touch might shift to valuing quality time in the form of deep conversations or shared activities. Understanding these shifts allows parents to adjust their approach, ensuring their expressions of love remain meaningful and relevant to their child's stage of development.
And we cannot forget the shift from parental affection and approval to seeking those things from their peer group. As tweens and teens grow, their peer relationships and desire for independence significantly influence how they express and receive love (Ginsburg & Jablow, 2011). During this stage, friendships and social connections become central to their emotional development, often shifting their love language preferences. The need for autonomy can make traditional parental expressions of love feel intrusive, requiring caregivers to adapt their approach.
My kid just put a pizza with plastic still on it in the oven. There is no way parents of Gen Alpha don’t meet up at the bar and spend the entire night telling each other “wtf” stories. What autonomy and independence? One of my kids can’t find two matching socks. It is literally an impossible task for him. I know I buy them. I know I wash them. Sometimes I even pair them up for him while he folds his clothes. But he NEVER has two matching socks on his actual feet. The oldest has zero interest in getting his learners permit. ZERO. Maybe because he knows I hate the carpool lane and it’s actually a really good strategy to avoid driving the other kids around.
I’m pretty confident two of them cannot tie their shoes themselves. 75% of them cannot successfully put the leash on the dog independently. Recently it was revealed that they have not had shampoo in their bathroom for who knows how long and they were all using body wash in their hair. This week I had to explain how grades are actually calculated by adding the assignments together to get a report card grade for each subject area. That one threw me. I asked him what he thought had been happening for the past 4 years of school and he said “ I guess I just didn’t think about it.”
For years I noticed that childhood was getting extended. 80s babies were out the door 10 minutes after their high school graduation party. 90s babies followed suit but went to grad school so they got some bonus years. Gen Z’s been hit pretty hard by unexpected events so they are all headed back home after they get their masters. I have zero actual data to back up those observations, but I think I’m close, if not on point.
Next up is Gen Alpha. When my youngest was around 4 or 5, I asked him to try to brush his teeth by himself. He stared at me and just said no. Like actually seemed to think I had grown an extra head that was asking him to do the most ridiculous thing ever. I asked him why and he said “I don't want to grow up. It looks hard.”
Sir….Drop that mic, my friend.
My kids are not developing autonomy and independence. My friends with children in the same ages say the same thing. There has been one time where I dropped a kid off at an evening football game at his school. His cousin had actually wanted to go so it was more for her and then he spent the entire game texting me. Like play by play of the game. I asked him to stop and talk to the people around him. Also, he does not know the rules of football.
Is it COVID? Maybe. Those peer to peer interactions were so limited that the kids just became this weird family unit.
Is it screens and phones? Also maybe. Their social interactions are all through texting and video chats. We had to beg for a ride to the mall and call home using a pay phone and call collect and say really quickly “come pick me up” so our parents didn’t have to accept the charges when we were ready to go home.
Maybe Gen Alpha is so comfortable with being themselves that they can be creative with the way they speak. Maybe there is actually less judgement between peers. Maybe they are so non-judgmental with each other that no one cares about what someone is wearing. Or are they smart enough to not become independent because being a grown up is hard.
Whatever the reason is, Gen Alpha is something different. I’m not sure the rules apply with these kids.
I also feel that we have had a different chance to hang out with our kids. We are actively teaching emotional intelligence and having tough conversations. We are taking the kids to counseling and checking in with them. It's really difficult for them to get themselves into trouble so problem solving skills aren’t really needed, which is maybe how plastic ends up in the oven. I think maybe we just know our kids really well.
The Love Languages were so ingrained that the concepts were already uploaded into our parenting plan (Chapman & Campbell, 2016). With all the negatives these passed several years, it is encouraging to think that as parents, we are doing ok. They may not be independent, but they are giving us great stories. And honestly, I've never doubted that they love me. And it's probably not just because of my skills in the kitchen.
Just in case, here’s a reminder:
- Words of Affirmation – Expressing love through verbal encouragement, praise, and kind words.
- Acts of Service – Showing love by helping and doing things for others.
- Receiving Gifts – Feeling loved through thoughtful presents, big or small.
- Quality Time – Valuing undivided attention and shared experiences.
- Physical Touch – Feeling connected through hugs, cuddles, or high-fives.
I am officially on the downward slope of parenting as my youngest turned 9 several months ago. I’m not quite sure how it happened, but my home is definitely “giving tween energy.” I am slightly hopeful I did not use that correctly so that I can up my cringe.
Oops, I did it again. There we go- back to my safe space in Gen X/ Millennial Land.
As a career educator, I did a decent job keeping up with the latest trends. I knew when the youngest kiddo started saying a new slang word that it was on its way out. That is not the case anymore as he is keeping up with his brothers much more easily these days. As stoked as I am to be barreling towards my empty nest, I also feel that Gen Alpha is throwing some serious shade on this parenting deal. I feel like they keep changing the rules on us!
Say what you want about Gen Z, but good gravy are these 20-teens babies working overtime. I cannot even tell you how many times a day I look at a child that I made with the most bewildered stare because I have no clue what he just said, what he just did, or how the plastic on the frozen pizza got into the oven in the first place. Trust me, I know the fact that he tried to do it himself was a big step forward, but I’m not 100% sure it wasn’t purposeful to get delivery pizza instead of the frozen. I probably ask “why” to each kid at least 42 times a day because I am just befuddled. (I will definitely hear Google define “befuddled” as they read this later today.)
So what happened to the ease of identifying your kiddo’s love language to make sure you see it when they give it and you express your love back to them in that same way? Currently I don’t even understand the words coming out of their mouths.
I get it. Education is a soft science because of the child psychology part of teaching. I realize that as children transition into adolescence, their love languages often evolve due to developmental changes and increasing independence (Chapman & Campbell, 2016). While younger children may openly express affection and seek direct reassurance, tweens and teens may become more reserved, preferring subtle forms of love that align with their growing need for autonomy.
For example, a child who once thrived on physical touch might shift to valuing quality time in the form of deep conversations or shared activities. Understanding these shifts allows parents to adjust their approach, ensuring their expressions of love remain meaningful and relevant to their child's stage of development.
And we cannot forget the shift from parental affection and approval to seeking those things from their peer group. As tweens and teens grow, their peer relationships and desire for independence significantly influence how they express and receive love (Ginsburg & Jablow, 2011). During this stage, friendships and social connections become central to their emotional development, often shifting their love language preferences. The need for autonomy can make traditional parental expressions of love feel intrusive, requiring caregivers to adapt their approach.
My kid just put a pizza with plastic still on it in the oven. There is no way parents of Gen Alpha don’t meet up at the bar and spend the entire night telling each other “wtf” stories. What autonomy and independence? One of my kids can’t find two matching socks. It is literally an impossible task for him. I know I buy them. I know I wash them. Sometimes I even pair them up for him while he folds his clothes. But he NEVER has two matching socks on his actual feet. The oldest has zero interest in getting his learners permit. ZERO. Maybe because he knows I hate the carpool lane and it’s actually a really good strategy to avoid driving the other kids around.
I’m pretty confident two of them cannot tie their shoes themselves. 75% of them cannot successfully put the leash on the dog independently. Recently it was revealed that they have not had shampoo in their bathroom for who knows how long and they were all using body wash in their hair. This week I had to explain how grades are actually calculated by adding the assignments together to get a report card grade for each subject area. That one threw me. I asked him what he thought had been happening for the past 4 years of school and he said “ I guess I just didn’t think about it.”
For years I noticed that childhood was getting extended. 80s babies were out the door 10 minutes after their high school graduation party. 90s babies followed suit but went to grad school so they got some bonus years. Gen Z’s been hit pretty hard by unexpected events so they are all headed back home after they get their masters. I have zero actual data to back up those observations, but I think I’m close, if not on point.
Next up is Gen Alpha. When my youngest was around 4 or 5, I asked him to try to brush his teeth by himself. He stared at me and just said no. Like actually seemed to think I had grown an extra head that was asking him to do the most ridiculous thing ever. I asked him why and he said “I don't want to grow up. It looks hard.”
Sir….Drop that mic, my friend.
My kids are not developing autonomy and independence. My friends with children in the same ages say the same thing. There has been one time where I dropped a kid off at an evening football game at his school. His cousin had actually wanted to go so it was more for her and then he spent the entire game texting me. Like play by play of the game. I asked him to stop and talk to the people around him. Also, he does not know the rules of football.
Is it COVID? Maybe. Those peer to peer interactions were so limited that the kids just became this weird family unit.
Is it screens and phones? Also maybe. Their social interactions are all through texting and video chats. We had to beg for a ride to the mall and call home using a pay phone and call collect and say really quickly “come pick me up” so our parents didn’t have to accept the charges when we were ready to go home.
Maybe Gen Alpha is so comfortable with being themselves that they can be creative with the way they speak. Maybe there is actually less judgement between peers. Maybe they are so non-judgmental with each other that no one cares about what someone is wearing. Or are they smart enough to not become independent because being a grown up is hard.
Whatever the reason is, Gen Alpha is something different. I’m not sure the rules apply with these kids.
I also feel that we have had a different chance to hang out with our kids. We are actively teaching emotional intelligence and having tough conversations. We are taking the kids to counseling and checking in with them. It's really difficult for them to get themselves into trouble so problem solving skills aren’t really needed, which is maybe how plastic ends up in the oven. I think maybe we just know our kids really well.
The Love Languages were so ingrained that the concepts were already uploaded into our parenting plan (Chapman & Campbell, 2016). With all the negatives these passed several years, it is encouraging to think that as parents, we are doing ok. They may not be independent, but they are giving us great stories. And honestly, I've never doubted that they love me. And it's probably not just because of my skills in the kitchen.
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