As a parent, especially one who predominantly takes on most caregiving responsibilities, it often feels like finding time for basic hygiene—like taking a shower—has become a luxury rather than a necessity.
We’ve come to accept this concept without question. Maybe it’s because many of us have renovated our bathrooms to look like spas that we can pretend we’re indulging in a luxury retreat—when really, it’s just another surface begging for a scrub later on.
I can say from my own experience that I somehow have less time to participate in any “self-care” beyond a quick shower now that I do not leave my home for employment, compared to the previous 22 years of my adult life. Do I need to ask it again? Maybe I should….
WAIT, WHAT?!
I don’t even know how it happened. I didn’t even realize it was happening. As part of my working-from-home agreement, we gave up before- and after-school care. I had big dreams of sleeping in, getting home early, and having time for myself. It sounds amazing, right? I don’t have to be anywhere until 9 a.m. when my first class meets online. I get to be home with my very cute puppy during the day and get the kids home earlier from school, which makes household maintenance much easier.
What I did not count on was that the only way to actually get home earlier is to get into the carpool line at least 45 minutes before dismissal. Then there are the extracurricular activities all the kids decided to take up this year. I also wasn’t counting on EVERY kid in the house really struggling with life in general.
I am convinced that the kids have secret meetings in the turrets of the house to decide who is going to have some weird crisis the next day. I half-expect Alan Cumming, famed actor, comedian, and host of The Traitors, to be hiding in my attic, guiding the kids in their chaos planning.
If you are up there, Alan, can you please help with the last of the Christmas totes?
Don’t get me wrong. I knew that shifting my focus to parenting from the high demands of my job was going to be a lateral shift. It’s one stressor for another. I get it. I did not realize that this meant that, because I don’t have to be out in public in a presentable way by a certain time, nor do I have to interact with anyone outside of the people in my house very often, I would just not change out of my PJs before morning carpool.
No one in my Zoom classes would see that I was still wearing my pajama pants, either. I only have to be business casual for the waist up. A messy bun looks great on the screen. But how in the world am I regularly almost late for my first class?! My office shares a wall with my bedroom?!I have to accept that life is going to “life.” There are points in this parenting journey that are just going to be difficult.
No amount of planning, organization, calendar systems, or planners will save us from whatever the kids have cooked up with Alan in the attic.
BUT, I am still and will always be a believer that the primary caregiver should NEVER give in to the concept that the basics of existence are a “luxury.” If I’m giving up the basics, I should be able to enjoy actual luxuries more often, right?
Because we are raising four boys, we are VERY purposeful in the language we use around them when it comes to the things that just need to happen at home. The kids do not “help” by emptying the dishwasher or vacuuming the living room. They contribute to the spaces they also occupy and use.
This year, they are old enough to take on more contributions. Even with all those purposeful plans and goals to ensure the kids do not think that the basics are self-care, I still slipped into a spot where I wasn’t eating actual meals and was ignoring other basics that every human needs.
The word NEED is the main point here. I never thought that self-care was not part of the need category, but I couldn’t even get to the basics, much less something that is an actual self-care luxury. This struggle isn't just my personal experience; it's echoed by many.
According to a recent Gallup Poll, “6 out of 10 women find it hard to make their well-being a priority” (Fioni, 2024). That means that in your 10-person book club, there’s a good chance 6 of the women in the room never read the book—and probably are on day 5 of unwashed hair.
The survey also showed that even Gen Z women are struggling at a higher rate than Gen X or Millennial women (Fioni, 2024). The women surveyed stated they were living a life in which they were too "overwhelmed" to consider their own health (Fioni, 2024).
Additionally, these women also shared in the survey that they struggle with time, money, and work-life balance (Fioni, 2024). Eighty-five percent of the women who stated they were struggling had children 18 or younger (Fioni, 2024). What is the most difficult pill to swallow is that this survey isn’t even about time to shower; it asked women about their general health (Fioni, 2024).What are we doing to ourselves!?
We HAVE to stop thinking that a simple shower is self-care. We cannot reach a point in society where women are asking if it’s okay to take time to brush their teeth. That’s absurd, right?I’m not an expert in any way, but I will tell you that when I realized I had dropped off my third grader in my PJs three times in one week, I decided that was enough. I sat with my family and created a spreadsheet with 24 hours split into 30-minute increments. I had a list of what I NEEDED to do, what I WANTED to do, and what I HAVE to do.
NOTHING ELSE WAS SOLELY MY RESPONSIBILITY.
Please note that I did not say I sat down with only my partner for this conversation. Every kid in the house was a part of the discussion. I also came to this family meeting with a list of the daily, weekly, biweekly, and monthly tasks that have to be completed. Essentially, I told them that they all needed to care for me as much as I cared for them.
Even if I didn’t have labor related to earning an income, I would still say the same: caregivers who do not earn an income for their labor at home should not be expected to bear the burden alone. The business of taking care of a home is just as important and exhausting as any income-earning career.
Did I end up with the longest list of tasks by the end of this exercise? Yes, of course, I did. BUT I also have pretty pink pockets of time in every 24-hour cycle that designate when I am busy, unreachable, and not to be disturbed except in the case of broken bones or an act of God—and even then, try to find the other parent first.
We are very quick to put up calendar events designating “busy” to not be disturbed by coworkers. Why do we not do the same thing in our homes? Do I ever really make it a whole 24-hour period undistributed in those pretty pink blocks?
Of course not.
But there is a healthy time boundary set. Our coworkers don’t respect those “busy” slots in our public calendar either, but I bet some of them come back later.
The other side of this is that I also have to give up on the towels being folded into thirds or putting the colander where it actually goes myself. (That one I don’t get; every person puts it in a different spot.)
So Alan Cumming, if you are meeting with my kids in the attic, I would first like to apologize that I don’t have an actual turret.
Secondly, can you maybe convince the kids to take at least one or two days a week off from their chaos plans? I’d really like to get to my “want” list of figuring out what I want to do with my time.
If you are currently sitting in your PJs after school drop-off or maybe in the carpool lane trying to figure out how that one mom gets there first no matter how early you leave the house, think about setting out some clear time boundaries just for you. Put your foot down and insist. Not only will you get some time for yourself, but the rest of your family will learn some self-reliance. Your self-care and basic needs should be in two different categories. You have to monitor that because it can easily slip back into the self-care column. Self-care should always be beyond the everyday.
And if you really, really want to refold the towels that the 10-year-old did not put into thirds, go ahead and make sure to discuss it with him at his next performance review.
_______________________________________________________________
Reference
Fioni, S. (2024, July 10). Majority of women struggle to prioritize their health. Gallup. https://news.gallup.com/poll/646529/majority-women-struggle-prioritize-health.aspx
We’ve come to accept this concept without question. Maybe it’s because many of us have renovated our bathrooms to look like spas that we can pretend we’re indulging in a luxury retreat—when really, it’s just another surface begging for a scrub later on.
I can say from my own experience that I somehow have less time to participate in any “self-care” beyond a quick shower now that I do not leave my home for employment, compared to the previous 22 years of my adult life. Do I need to ask it again? Maybe I should….
WAIT, WHAT?!
I don’t even know how it happened. I didn’t even realize it was happening. As part of my working-from-home agreement, we gave up before- and after-school care. I had big dreams of sleeping in, getting home early, and having time for myself. It sounds amazing, right? I don’t have to be anywhere until 9 a.m. when my first class meets online. I get to be home with my very cute puppy during the day and get the kids home earlier from school, which makes household maintenance much easier.
What I did not count on was that the only way to actually get home earlier is to get into the carpool line at least 45 minutes before dismissal. Then there are the extracurricular activities all the kids decided to take up this year. I also wasn’t counting on EVERY kid in the house really struggling with life in general.
I am convinced that the kids have secret meetings in the turrets of the house to decide who is going to have some weird crisis the next day. I half-expect Alan Cumming, famed actor, comedian, and host of The Traitors, to be hiding in my attic, guiding the kids in their chaos planning.
If you are up there, Alan, can you please help with the last of the Christmas totes?
Don’t get me wrong. I knew that shifting my focus to parenting from the high demands of my job was going to be a lateral shift. It’s one stressor for another. I get it. I did not realize that this meant that, because I don’t have to be out in public in a presentable way by a certain time, nor do I have to interact with anyone outside of the people in my house very often, I would just not change out of my PJs before morning carpool.
No one in my Zoom classes would see that I was still wearing my pajama pants, either. I only have to be business casual for the waist up. A messy bun looks great on the screen. But how in the world am I regularly almost late for my first class?! My office shares a wall with my bedroom?!I have to accept that life is going to “life.” There are points in this parenting journey that are just going to be difficult.
No amount of planning, organization, calendar systems, or planners will save us from whatever the kids have cooked up with Alan in the attic.
BUT, I am still and will always be a believer that the primary caregiver should NEVER give in to the concept that the basics of existence are a “luxury.” If I’m giving up the basics, I should be able to enjoy actual luxuries more often, right?
Because we are raising four boys, we are VERY purposeful in the language we use around them when it comes to the things that just need to happen at home. The kids do not “help” by emptying the dishwasher or vacuuming the living room. They contribute to the spaces they also occupy and use.
This year, they are old enough to take on more contributions. Even with all those purposeful plans and goals to ensure the kids do not think that the basics are self-care, I still slipped into a spot where I wasn’t eating actual meals and was ignoring other basics that every human needs.
The word NEED is the main point here. I never thought that self-care was not part of the need category, but I couldn’t even get to the basics, much less something that is an actual self-care luxury. This struggle isn't just my personal experience; it's echoed by many.
According to a recent Gallup Poll, “6 out of 10 women find it hard to make their well-being a priority” (Fioni, 2024). That means that in your 10-person book club, there’s a good chance 6 of the women in the room never read the book—and probably are on day 5 of unwashed hair.
The survey also showed that even Gen Z women are struggling at a higher rate than Gen X or Millennial women (Fioni, 2024). The women surveyed stated they were living a life in which they were too "overwhelmed" to consider their own health (Fioni, 2024).
Additionally, these women also shared in the survey that they struggle with time, money, and work-life balance (Fioni, 2024). Eighty-five percent of the women who stated they were struggling had children 18 or younger (Fioni, 2024). What is the most difficult pill to swallow is that this survey isn’t even about time to shower; it asked women about their general health (Fioni, 2024).What are we doing to ourselves!?
We HAVE to stop thinking that a simple shower is self-care. We cannot reach a point in society where women are asking if it’s okay to take time to brush their teeth. That’s absurd, right?I’m not an expert in any way, but I will tell you that when I realized I had dropped off my third grader in my PJs three times in one week, I decided that was enough. I sat with my family and created a spreadsheet with 24 hours split into 30-minute increments. I had a list of what I NEEDED to do, what I WANTED to do, and what I HAVE to do.
- Needs: Eat, Shower, Sleep, Work on my mental health, Exercise
- Wants: I WANT to do things; I just don’t know what they are anymore.
- Have To: Income-related tasks, Transporting kids, Homework help
NOTHING ELSE WAS SOLELY MY RESPONSIBILITY.
Please note that I did not say I sat down with only my partner for this conversation. Every kid in the house was a part of the discussion. I also came to this family meeting with a list of the daily, weekly, biweekly, and monthly tasks that have to be completed. Essentially, I told them that they all needed to care for me as much as I cared for them.
Even if I didn’t have labor related to earning an income, I would still say the same: caregivers who do not earn an income for their labor at home should not be expected to bear the burden alone. The business of taking care of a home is just as important and exhausting as any income-earning career.
Did I end up with the longest list of tasks by the end of this exercise? Yes, of course, I did. BUT I also have pretty pink pockets of time in every 24-hour cycle that designate when I am busy, unreachable, and not to be disturbed except in the case of broken bones or an act of God—and even then, try to find the other parent first.
We are very quick to put up calendar events designating “busy” to not be disturbed by coworkers. Why do we not do the same thing in our homes? Do I ever really make it a whole 24-hour period undistributed in those pretty pink blocks?
Of course not.
But there is a healthy time boundary set. Our coworkers don’t respect those “busy” slots in our public calendar either, but I bet some of them come back later.
The other side of this is that I also have to give up on the towels being folded into thirds or putting the colander where it actually goes myself. (That one I don’t get; every person puts it in a different spot.)
So Alan Cumming, if you are meeting with my kids in the attic, I would first like to apologize that I don’t have an actual turret.
Secondly, can you maybe convince the kids to take at least one or two days a week off from their chaos plans? I’d really like to get to my “want” list of figuring out what I want to do with my time.
If you are currently sitting in your PJs after school drop-off or maybe in the carpool lane trying to figure out how that one mom gets there first no matter how early you leave the house, think about setting out some clear time boundaries just for you. Put your foot down and insist. Not only will you get some time for yourself, but the rest of your family will learn some self-reliance. Your self-care and basic needs should be in two different categories. You have to monitor that because it can easily slip back into the self-care column. Self-care should always be beyond the everyday.
And if you really, really want to refold the towels that the 10-year-old did not put into thirds, go ahead and make sure to discuss it with him at his next performance review.
_______________________________________________________________
Reference
Fioni, S. (2024, July 10). Majority of women struggle to prioritize their health. Gallup. https://news.gallup.com/poll/646529/majority-women-struggle-prioritize-health.aspx
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